The Part No One Talks About: Recovering from a Negative Work Experience

I chose to take ownership of un-messing the mess.

There’s something strange about how we talk about moving on from a bad work experience.It usually sounds like:

What did you learn?
What will you do differently next time?
What’s your plan moving forward?

And sure—those are good questions.But they also feel a little… rushed.Like we’re trying to turn something hard into something productive as quickly as possible. To move on or away from it. We Skip the Part Where It Was HardI’m both shocked—and not shocked—that there’s so little to no guidance on how to actually recover from a negative work experience until I started with a few clients, and heard how these old stories were playing in the background as they started to onboard into a new role.Because whether it’s:

a toxic culture
a team that never quite clicks (or is too cliquey)
a leader who slowly chips away at your confidence
or just a role that doesn’t fit

The expectation is the same: Move on.But moving on without processing is just carrying.
The “Backpack Full of Rocks”I’ve moved on from a few painful work experiences.
The biggest one was my first (Sheryl Crow really gets it, the first cut is the deepest), a layoff.I was about 18 months into my career after grad school and ended up out of work for nine months. So when I finally landed something new, I didn’t pause—I jumped in.Just prove yourself.And without really thinking about it, I brought everything with me.Every hard experience becomes a rock.
And instead of asking whether we actually want to carry it, we just toss it into a backpack.At first, it’s manageable.But over time?You’re carrying the weight of things you never fully acknowledged.And those rocks add-up and they show up:

in how quickly you assume the worst
in how hard you push to prove your worth
in how unsafe you feel… even when nothing is wrong

A Pattern I Didn’t Realize I Was RepeatingI remember being in that new role after the layoff.Still early in my career. Still trying to prove I deserved to be there.And then small things started happening—leadership behind closed doors, my workload decreasing, subtle shifts that felt familiar.I had seen this before.And my body reacted before my brain could catch up.It felt like something bad was coming.So I doubled down.Worked harder.
Pushed more.
Ignored what I was feeling.Tried to stay ahead of something that hadn’t even happened.There was a restructuring. People did lose jobs.But I was safe.And that’s what I didn’t understand at the time:
I wasn’t reacting to what was happening.
I was reacting to what had already happened. My environment had changed. My response hadn’t.That stress pattern: fear, urgency, over-producing—it came with me.No one ever told me I could put that down.So I didn’t. I kept putting rocks in my backpack.

When You’re Safe… But Don’t Feel SafeThis is the part that can feel really confusing.You can be in a good role. With supportive people. Nothing actually wrong.And still:

you bracing for bad news
you read into every small shift
you feel like you must constantly earn your place

That’s not you being “too much” or “overthinking.”It’s what happens when an experience doesn’t get processed.
It doesn’t disappear, it just gets carried, allowing it to replay.Often quickly. Before logic even has a chance to catch up.

So… What Does Healing Actually Look Like?Not a checklist.
Not a performance plan.
It’s a little quieter than that.If it’s not about pushing through or fixing it… what does it actually look like to move on?It starts quieter than you’d expect.Take a moment to think about your past bad work experiences. Call them to mind, and instead of rushing past it, you let yourself notice:That was hard.
That stayed with me.No fixing. No minimizing.
Just acknowledgement.Then you start to notice the stories your mind is telling:

I should’ve handled that better
I’m not cut out for this
I need to prove myself so it doesn’t happen again

And instead of getting pulled into them, you create a little space:I’m noticing I’m having the thought that…Because thoughts aren’t facts. They’re often shaped by past pain attempting to protect you from the potential future pain.You also start to reconnect with yourself—not the version shaped by that experience, but the one underneath it.The one who showed up.
Handled something hard.
Kept going.That version matters too.From there, things get a little clearer.Not just what you want to avoid next time—but what actually matters to you:

the kind of environment you thrive in
the kind of people you want around you
the kind of colleague or leader you want to be

And then, slowly, you start making different choices.Small ones.
Moments where you pause to ask:

Is this coming from now—or from then?
Is this helping me—or is this an old pattern kicking in?

Because not every rock needs to be carried the same way.Some are wisdom.
Some are just weight.And even if you don’t drop them completely—you can loosen your grip.
You Don’t Have to Carry Everything ForwardThere’s nothing wrong with you for still feeling something from an experience.It just means it mattered.But you do get a say in what happens next.Not whether it happened.
But how much of it you bring with you.
A Simple Place to StartPause for a minute and ask yourself:

What’s one “rock” I’m still carrying?
What has it been trying to protect me from?
Is there any part of it I’m ready to loosen my grip on?

You don’t need a full reset.Just a little more awareness than you had before.
Final ThoughtWe’re taught to move forward quickly.But the kind of growth that actually changes how you show up usually starts by slowing down long enough to see what you’ve been carrying.You don’t need to rush into becoming someone new.You just need to stop carrying everything the old version of you needed to survive.And when you’re ready, maybe put one rock down.

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