You Learn

Unplug & Elevate: Notes of Empowerment Summer Playlist is a collaborative mixtape of music and thoughts sourced by three colleagues who work in the areas of wellness, burnout, and purpose, but more importantly, who are friends. We know that having the right playlist for a road trip (or whatever journey one is on) makes ALL the difference. This summer, we handpicked songs from our lives that helped us to rebalance, recoup our own stories, and root into our purpose. Listen now

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You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn

Never has a song inspired me to take action more than You Learn. At 12-years old, I was just awakening to the realities of the world. That it’s complex, challenging, unfair, and unequal, and within those moments lives a lesson.

I was failing geography at this age. I believed the teacher didn’t like me because I advocated against his style of humor which centered on degrading someone else. When he used me as the center of one of his daily jokes, I began to fold it in – why should I give this one class 100% effort when the teacher was a total jerk?

My mom sat me down after the parent-teacher chat to get my perspective. Although she agreed the teacher wasn’t exhibiting good behavior, I was selling myself short. Reducing my effort because I didn’t like the teacher was a poor excuse for a bad grade when she knew I understood the material and could apply myself better. She went on to explain that there will always be people in life that I won’t get along with, but I shouldn’t let them derail me from my values.

With half a term left, I re-engineered my approach to geography taking greater pride in the work and study moving my grade from a D to a B+. My mom’s words have been with me throughout my life, and sometimes I wish I had listened to the lesson between the lines – don’t make yourself small for anyone. Take up space and take up time.

Eighteen years later, I was staring down thirty with great enthusiasm. While standing in line for coffee, I heard the chatter of two twenty-something year-olds in front of me teasing people ahead of us, how clearly they didn’t need a venti given their size. It was cruel, unnecessary, and I pondered why people could be so reckless in their thoughts and words. Somewhere from the thralls of my mind I began to hear “You cry you learn, you lose you learn, you bleed you learn… you live you learn…” Although these young ladies were living, I don’t know if they ever learned that we’re all just doing the best we can to make it through the day. Bless them if they never had adversity or felt the world under their crumble away.

As I walked home with my iced coffee, I continued to hum Alanis’s song which turned into a reflection of all the things I had learned in 30-years. I’d never deeply considered how the events of loss, hurt, anger, love, laughter, etc had on shaping my life. The scars, visible and invisible, were a reminder of my strengths.

When I got home, I was inspired to write a list of My Learnings. Since then, I privately review my list, typically around my birthdays and New Years, adding new learnings as I’ve aged. The list has become a refuge and solace where I can recharge my strength, and this is the first time I am sharing this with anyone. Ongoing future posts will include more anecdotes when I use my learnings IRL to help remind others that the most intuitive teacher is our experience. We build our strength in who we are in these moments.

My Learnings

1. Don’t let others derail you.

2. Life = Love is For Everyone.

3. Friends before swimming, school (work).

4. Imperfection is perfection.

5. Make them laugh.

6. Just keep swimming (breathing).

7. No one bats 1000.

8. Everything is fixable.

9. Think like a lazy person.

10. It’ll all get done.

11. Don’t hold too tightly.

12. Life is just a series of problems with TBD solutions.

13. Out of loss comes greater love

14. Trust but verify.

15. Bring a snack.

16. Try restarting the device and yourself.

17. Give yourself 15-minutes.

18. Showing up 30% of the time makes a great baseball batter.

19. There is nothing new under the sun: so Google, ask around, and remember what I am experiencing isn’t new to humans.

20. It's easy to be heavy, it's hard to light.

21. I don’t need to have any of the answers, be curious and explore what’s best.

22. Be a cat (when I’m sick).

23. Where’s your heart in all this?

24. Take up time and space.

Looking back, I feel profound gratitude towards my younger self for having the foresight to capture my learnings. Over the past decade, I have come to rely on this list to remind myself of what I’ve overcome, the strength that lives inside me, and the hope I carry.

Here’s a little secret as I write this post, My Learnings have come out of setbacks not success. Setbacks offer an alternative viewpoint towards our bigger goals, our goals may shift in the wake of setbacks or they become clearer. The path towards learning is in our perception of setbacks. As Alanis Morissette advises, wait until the dust settles… you wait and see when the smoke clears… you live, you learn. My B+ geography skills may be irrelevant today (TY Google Maps) but I learned that real geography is knowing where your intuitive heart lies.

Lastly, the most profound impact of this ritual has been developing a level of self-trust I didn’t know I needed, and it requires consistent nurturing. I am excited to see how My Learnings evolve over the next decade. With newfound trust and openness, I know the journey will be thrilling. It’s going to be messy, and I have the inner wisdom to grow through the mess.

As they say, I’m complete but not finished.

Featured Response by Megan Krings from Mindful Heart Counseling

I am familiar with setbacks, errors, and mistakes. Right now this is aptly described by the ‘delete’ key on this keyboard is blank, the paint has worn off the key due to overuse. Once upon a time, I worked in publishing where every mistake was circled in red, denoted with perfect proofreader’s marks, and no judgment. Just a feeling of Phew! Good Catch. The document is better now than when I found it. Then I ventured out of publishing, and I started working in an office environment. The mistakes here were handled differently, often with finger pointing blame, irritation, defensiveness, and gossip. The shift from a mistake being seen as data, versus judgment and punishment gave me whiplash. Activating my imposter syndrome who wanted everything to be Perfect. I floundered. Eventually, I realized that while I make errors (Big ONES) a punitive work culture is a red flag and a place that I cannot flourish in.

When I read Eileen’s list of her learnings and how Alanis outlines an evolution in You Learn, I think of Brene Brown’s 10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living, found in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection.” https://brenebrown.com/art/ten-guideposts-for-wholehearted-living-3/ Specifically letting go of perfectionism and cultivating self-compassion. I think that tension is beautifully illustrated in this blog. For me, this is hard. I need a reminder to treat my mistakes with self-compassion and curiosity, and to turn down the volume on my perfection seeking. I joke “Pobody’s Nerfect!” with clients, but it’s more a reminder to myself to ease up, stop trying so hard, and try to laugh a little.

Featured Response by Charlotte Kovacs from Charlotte Kovacs Coaching

I so wish I had the foresight to put together a list like Eileen's - of course, it’s never too late to begin and I plan on spending some time on this in the coming weeks. But, in the meantime, whereas Eileen so bravely said that her learnings have come out of setbacks, not success, I think my learnings have come from pushing myself. I can be a pretty content person. I wouldn’t call it lazy, but I don’t always feel the need to “challenge” myself. When I look back on my life so far, it’s been those times when I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone that have led to the most learnings. So, with Eileen’s list as inspiration, here are a few of my learnings:

I am not a category - when I studied abroad, there was so much categorizing of people based on their family’s income or where they came from. I didn’t have much room for this narrative and therefore had a harder time making friends. But, it was Paris, and I had art and architecture and bread and cheese and no time for people who wanted to put me in a category.
Love who you love - I think that one speaks for itself, but I’m glad I’ve learned this one.
I can do hard things - again, speaks for itself but I love how it applies to all parts of life. I can do hard things was my mantra when I learned to do a yoga headstand, when I juggled 5 jobs earlier this year, when I brought my newborn to work with me, when we moved during a pandemic, when I made difficult but necessary career decisions, and a whole host of other experiences.
Learning = Living - what am I doing here if I’m not continuing to learn and grow?

Bios

Megan Hutchinson Krings, LCSW CADC is a licensed clinical social worker and a certified alcohol and drug counselor. She often works with folks when their neglected hunches about life manifest into addiction, depression, anxiety, burnout, or deep grief for the life they want but can’t have. Megan is the founder of Mindful Heart Counseling.

Charlotte Kovacs, ACC, CPCC, specializes in empowering solopreneurs and female small business owners to build confidence and grow their dream businesses. She provides one-on-one and small group programs designed to help women set ambitious yet attainable goals, navigate the emotional challenges of leadership, and fulfill their purpose both professionally and personally. Charlotte is the founder of Charlotte Kovacs Coaching.

Eileen Murphy, MA in Industrial & Organizational Psychology, is your go-to certified Stress Management and Health & Wellness coach. She’s on a mission to help you disrupt your stress and find joy, aligning your career, health, and wellness like a life-balancing pro. Eileen is the founder of Blackbird Life Coaching.

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