Unplug & Elevate: Notes of Empowerment Summer Playlist is a collaborative mixtape of music and thoughts sourced by three colleagues who work in the areas of wellness, burnout, and purpose, but more importantly, who are friends. We know that having the right playlist for a road trip (or whatever journey one is on) makes ALL the difference. This summer, we handpicked songs from our lives that helped us to rebalance, recoup our own stories, and root into our purpose. Listen now
Embedded Files
No Doubt "Just a Girl" (1995)
Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I'm exposed and it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know exactly where I stand?
This world is forcing me to hold your hand
Madonna "What it Feels Like for a Girl" (1998)
Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots 'cause it's okay to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like wouldn't you?
What it feels like for a girl
Beyoncé "If I Were a Boy" (2008)
If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
And chase after girls
These songs and lyrics transcend gender, resonating with a broader theme of the rejection of imposed limitations on individual potential. Or as I would say it, don’t tell me who I am or what I am capable of being.
I was a bold child. I wanted to outlive everyone’s expectations. When I was told I couldn’t do something, especially because I was a girl, I’d prove the nay-sayer wrong. I led a swim lane of mostly boys who were older than me. I did pull-ups instead of the chin-hold during the presidential fitness test. I climbed the rope in gym class, and then I climbed it again without using my legs. I acted silly to distract from someone else who was becoming uncomfortable. I protected classmates who were being teased. I never wore a dress to Sunday service – only for holidays to appease my mom.
If this sounds semi-familiar, you know what comes next.
The character degradation in an effort to make me conform, step in line – societal instructions on who I need to be. Teachers told me I was stupid, saying I wouldn’t amount to anything. Classmates teased me because I was too strong, too bold, too silly, too slow at reading. Adults told me to watch my figure, be more lady-like, or reminded me that tomboys don’t get the prince. With each comment, each heartbreak, I weakened a bit more. The power of these anthems began to erode, and a new story started to take hold.
Many of you can relate to the sensation of showing up authentically as a child and being met with opposition, getting hurt. Unless we had supportive parents or effective coping mechanisms, we began to structure our lives in ways that minimized pain to protect us. These experiences often mark the beginning of th stories of our stressed-out souls: I’m invisible, I’m not enough, I don’t matter, I’m not safe, I’m crazy, I’m a failure, I’m different, I’m flawed, I’m not important, I’m weak, I’m alone, I’m less than, I’m stuck, I’m not perfect, I don’t belong, I’m not whole…
These stories create the parameters in which we reside. We structure our lives within them to keep us safe: not allowing people close, keeping conversations focused on others to stay hidden, pleasing others so they’ll need us, or dismissing our needs in fear of what others might think. Actions that protect, rather than reflect our worth and value.
Our value and worth does not come from the input of other people. They come from a deeper knowing of who we are – our talents, our wisdom, our character, and style. Stress enters when we live based on the terms and conditions of others, not our own. Our bodies absorb that stress and give it back in the form of joint pain, upper body tension, headaches, withdrawal from family and friends, feeling stuck or aimless, loss of hope, overeating, or doom scrolling to numb and distract us from reality.
We can’t keep up with the pressures placed upon us, but as my dear friend, whom I met when I was five, shared, we can learn to put them down. In other words, we can choose to edit our narrative and take the story in a whole other direction.
Oh, I'm just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb makes me worrisome
Oh, I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've succumbed to is making me numb
—
Hurt that's not supposed to show and tears that fall when no one knows
When you're trying hard to be your best could you be a little less?
—
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Entering midlife is a natural reckoning period, determining what habits, thoughts, relationships, actions, and stories will serve us in the future, and which no longer serve our needs. Transformation begins when we accept these behaviors have been providing protection – they got us here, and now that protection no longer serves who we’re becoming. As I move into the next chapter of my life, I have greater insight into myself and how I want to operate in the world.
We get to choose: stay stuck in this story or unwind the story, offering alternative perspectives on life. I think that’s why I love Beyoncé’s lyrics so much – they offer an experience from an alternative perspective. The space she creates for the listener to imagine an alternative narrative is powerful and gives us wisdom to decide who we want to be. The song also opens up the idea that we can relearn to live within our worth and values.
The distance between No Doubt’s and Beyoncé’s songs spans 13 years and reflects vastly different cultural and racial experiences. Gwen Stefani, from No Doubt, used her position to sing with vigor and rage. In contrast, “If I Were a Boy” offers a mellow take on similar themes, highlighting the societal expectations for Black women and women of color to avoid being “too vocal” or “angry.” This contrast underscores how institutional racism and prejudice reinforce collective narratives, making it even more challenging to overcome personal ones.
As individuals reclaim their stories, they can support historically excluded groups in reclaiming their collective narratives. Perhaps the world is catching up to where we aspire to be. Even AI has a fresh take on No Doubt’s “Just a Girl,” generating updated lyrics based on current thoughts, trends, and research. Insert your identity into the song, and make the story yours:
‘Cause I’m just a girl, but I won’t be confined
I’ll speak my truth, won’t be undermined
Oh, I’m just a girl, with dreams and a voice
I choose my path, I make my own choice
Featured Response by Megan Krings from Mindful Heart Counseling
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
Last summer my neighborhood was filled with 20 something male identifying persons wearing flowy long dresses. I like to pretend I am cool but this really challenged me. My gut reaction surprised me. Especially, as closely as I follow JVN (Jonathan Van Ness) every move.
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading 'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading.
Then an issue of “Better Homes and Gardens” was in my office with Harry Styles on the cover – giving a gender fluid wink to David Bowie.
This discomfort was an invitation to take time to dissect my inner gender roles and homophobia. The social worker in me knows that patriarchy and homophobia are killers. Pride, Coming Out Day, and Trans Awareness Day are events that not only bring together marginalized communities for fabulous events – they preserve mental health and challenge the status quo of white heteronormative culture. I need these young folk to challenge the patriarchy as much as I need Gwen Stefani, Beyoncé, and Madonna naming and calling out the black and white gender roles that have defined my experience as a woman.
I am so grateful for Harry Styles and these gender nonconforming folks. I need to have my comforts challenged and examine my biases that are rooted in these toxic systems so I can dismantle them. The conclusion I came to last summer is if young white male appearing humans are enjoying a summer day in a skirt or dress- maybe it’ll lessen the cultural weight of sexism and patriarchy for generations to come- and I’m down for it.
Featured Response by Charlotte Kovacs from Charlotte Kovacs Coaching
Eileen’s story of being a bold child resonated with me deeply. I actually wasn’t a bold child - I was a petite girl with bouncy pigtails who always wore pink twirly dresses and studied ballet. I was the picture of a “little girl”. But as I got into my teenage years, that started to shift. I went to an all girls high school where I saw all sorts of models for what it meant to be female. I had amazing nuns who taught me the history of marriage and taking your husband’s last name. I didn’t wear makeup, I wore long boxer shorts that stuck out from under my uniform skirt and black became my favorite color to wear.
While this change didn’t seem particularly bold to me (I wasn’t spiking my hair or tattooing my face), I knew it was an adjustment to my family. As I continued to age, I continued to surprise them in less-than ladylike ways, ultimately by moving to Mississippi and building houses (in the crazy MS sun) with Habitat for Humanity. Nothing says ladylike like wearing a toolbelt while roofing in 90 degree heat.
I know Megan, Eileen, and I have and will talk a lot about our different parts throughout these articles. When I think of our parts, I know I often focus on the critical parts, but all these phases of our lives are also our parts. I am the twirly pink girl AND the boxer shorts girl AND the roofing girl AND a million other parts. What it comes down to, for me, is how can I honor each part to live more harmoniously?
Bios
Megan Hutchinson Krings, LCSW CADC is a licensed clinical social worker and a certified alcohol and drug counselor. She often works with folks when their neglected hunches about life manifest into addiction, depression, anxiety, burnout, or deep grief for the life they want but can’t have. Megan is the founder of Mindful Heart Counseling.
Charlotte Kovacs, ACC, CPCC, specializes in empowering solopreneurs and female small business owners to build confidence and grow their dream businesses. She provides one-on-one and small group programs designed to help women set ambitious yet attainable goals, navigate the emotional challenges of leadership, and fulfill their purpose both professionally and personally. Charlotte is the founder of Charlotte Kovacs Coaching.
Eileen Murphy, MA in Industrial & Organizational Psychology, is your go-to certified Stress Management and Health & Wellness coach. She’s on a mission to help you disrupt your stress and find joy, aligning your career, health, and wellness like a life-balancing pro. Eileen is the founder of Blackbird Life Coaching.
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